Short Funny Quotes From Historic Figures
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The funniest quotes of all time aren't always intentional…
Case in point:
"I thought Europe was a country." —Kellie Pickler, land music singer
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Seinfeld on fright
"According to nearly studies, people'due south number one fearfulness is public speaking. Number two is death. Expiry is number 2. Does that seem correct? That means to the average person, if yous accept to become to a funeral, you're meliorate off in the casket than doing the eulogy."—Jerry Seinfeld
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The joys of parenthood
"I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, 'If you had information technology to practice all over again, would you still have kids?' 'Yes,' he said. 'Just non these four.'"—Sheila Lee
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Let me check my calendar
"I just realized that 'Let me cheque my calendar' is the adult version of 'Allow me ask my mom.'"—Noelle Chatham
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Phyllis Diller on motherhood
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't beget. Then I want to move in with them."—Phyllis Diller
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Sandra Bullock on taking the high road
"Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired."—Sandra Bullock
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Some assembly required
"Sometimes I am amazed that my married woman and I created 2 human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the almost basic of IKEA cabinets."—@askdadblog (John Kinnear)
These lightheaded alert labels will get out you scratching your head!
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Carrie Fisher on satisfaction
"Instant gratification takes too long."—Carrie Fisher
Don't miss these side-splitting Star Wars jokes.
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Nora Ephron on teenagers
"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a domestic dog and so that someone in the house is happy to see you."—Nora Ephron
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Living in the past
"I admit that I live in the past, only only because housing is then much cheaper."—Matt Wohlfarth
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At least the canis familiaris didn't eat it
"I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, 'It's still in my pencil.'"—Larry Timmons
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The family unit that runs together
"Ane of my biggest fears is that I'll marry into a family unit that runs 5Ks on holidays."—@xnatata
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We've got the driveway covered
"Mapquest actually needs to start its directions on number v. Pretty certain I know how to become out of my neighbourhood." —Aaron Karo
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Erma Bombeck on a female parent'due south advice
"When your mother asks, 'Practise y'all want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. Information technology doesn't matter if y'all answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."—Erma Bombeck
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The problem with Dr. Google
"WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, only information technology could also be malaria, kidney failure, a center murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis."—Crystal Lowery
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Reese Witherspoon on parenting
"If you are not yelling at your kids, yous are not spending plenty time with them."—Reese Witherspoon
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Tech support
"User: the word computer professionals use when they hateful 'idiot.'" —Dave Barry
If yous've ever chosen your kids for tech support, this hilarious story is a must-read!
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Charlie Brown on anxiety
"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a unmarried matter to worry about. That always worries me!"—Charlie Brown
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Founding Fathers
"If our Founding Fathers wanted the states to care most the rest of the globe, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."—Stephen Colbert
You won't believe these 50 things are banned in the U.S.
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Rear view
"As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the stop was in sight."—Adam Joshua Smargon
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Good judge of character
"My father ever said, 'Never trust anyone whose Television receiver is bigger than their bookshelf.'"—Emilia Clarke
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Deal-breaker
"'I don't want a whole dessert; allow'due south simply get two spoons.' —Former friends of mine."—Anna Kendrick
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Lion versus sheep
"It is amend to live one day as a king of beasts than 100 years equally a sheep." —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote)
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No slumber
"The panthera leo shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won't become much sleep." —Woody Allen
These hilarious yearbook quotes volition crack you up.
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Smart scientist
"I make Jessica Simpson wait similar a stone scientist." —Tara Reid, extra
You'll want to continue these hilarious comebacks handy!
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Music smarts
"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can heed to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lonely Ranger." —Billy Connolly, histrion
Want to plough someone's frown upside down? Attempt giving them ane of thesefunny compliments!
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Designer dreams
"I won't get into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci shop in Chicago was the closest I've always felt to dwelling house." —Kanye West, rap artist
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Quondam life
"I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster." —Shane Richie, British actor
Don't miss the funniest royal family unit moments in pictures.
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Relationships
"It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one human relationship if the other person is not going to permit me to exist with other people." —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N' Roses
These cheesy option upward lines are good for a laugh (if non love!).
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The definition of monogamy
"Bigamy is having 1 married man too many. Monogamy is the same." —Anonymous
Don't miss the funniest lawyer jokes of all fourth dimension.
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Sharing is caring
"Not sure which is harder on a human relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one twenty-four hour period."—Rhea Butcher
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Poison for breakfast
Following an argument, an angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, "Winston, if you were my married man, I'd put toxicant in your coffee." Churchill snapped, "If you were my married woman, I'd drink it."
For more than (dramatized) bon mots from Churchill, check out this roundup of unforgettable The Crown quotes.
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Funny wrinkles
When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz vocalizer George Melly replied, "Surely nothing could exist that funny."
Speaking of funny, these hilarious dog cartoons are sure to crack a smile.
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Deep thoughts
"Before you criticize someone, you lot should walk a mile in their shoes. That manner when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."—Jack Handey
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Superman
A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight bellboy who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, "Superman don't need no seat belt." The flying attendant'southward retort: "Superman don't need no airplane either."
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Leading the blind
Seeing a male person dog sniffing a female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. Coward: "The one in front has suddenly gone bullheaded and the other ane has very kindly offered to push him."
Thesehilarious canis familiaris puns will requite youpaws.
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Wooden table
In the 1960s, Joe Pyne, one of the original daze jocks, manifestly began an interview with Frank Zappa past saying, "Then I guess your long hair makes you a woman." Zappa responded, "So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table."
Here are 22 Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their all-time jokes.
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Didn't act
Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, "Mr. Barrymore, I am never going to act with y'all again." Barrymore replied, "My love, you still haven't."
Hither's every Oscar best picture winner ranked—from worst to all-time.
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Batman
Director/writer Kevin Smith told Tim Burton that Burton's Planet of the Apes reminded him of a comic book he'd written. Burton responded, "Everyone knows I never read comics." Smith shot back, "That explains Batman."
Observe out the most popular movie the twelvemonth you were built-in.
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Polish Operator
An associate walked past Algonquin Round Table fellow member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly's bald pate. "That feels just as smooth and as nice every bit my wife's behind," he said. Connelly, running his own paw over his head, remarked, "And so information technology does!"
These funny photos will brand you laugh out loud.
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Dreams of Nimoy
Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, "Are you aware that you [every bit Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies effectually the world?" Nimoy's answer: "May all your dreams come true."
Got a soft spot for sci-fi? Don't miss these inspiring Doctor Who quotes.
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The three Rs
"You know at that place's a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, but one begins with an R." —Dennis Miller, comedian
Practice you tend to have trouble making it to the punchline? Here are 75 short jokes anyone can retrieve.
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Carelessness
"To lose one parent may be regarded equally a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." —Oscar Wilde
Don't miss thesefunny tweets every parent can relate to.
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No ear
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." —Baton Wilder, managing director
Having a manic Mon? These jokes about work will help you get through the calendar week.
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Nature lover
"She loves nature in spite of what it did to her." —Bette Midler
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No men
"Can you imagine a world without men? No criminal offense and lots of happy fat women." —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist
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Stephen King on writing
"The route to hell is paved with adverbs." —Stephen Rex
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Grinning on
"Start every solar day with a smile and go over it." —W. C. Fields (attributed)
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Miranda personality
"I wish I had the confidence of the adult female who boldly admits she'south the Miranda of her crew." —Jessica Biel, extra
These piece of work-friendly jokes will withal fissure y'all up.
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Await at the rich
"Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to." —Dorothy Parker, author
These funny Google searches volition make yous wonder, "Who's request these questions, anyway?"
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Sing it out
"Karaoke is the slap-up equalizer." —Aisha Tyler, talk evidence host
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Crossing the road
"I have noticed that even people who merits everything is predetermined and that we tin can practice nothing to alter it expect before they cross the road." —Stephen Hawking, physicist
At that place'southward a surprisingly humorous side to Stephen Hawking y'all didn't know about.
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Insurance gods
"The but people who still telephone call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms." —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist.
Don't miss these funny (merely true!) tales of the globe's dumbest criminals.
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Open up-minded
"Past all means let'southward be open up-minded, but non so open-minded that our brains drib out." —Richard Dawkins, scientist
Bank check out our all-fourth dimensionfunniest piece of work jokes.
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Bigoted
"He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both optics." —Molly Ivins, author
Looking for more LOLs? Don't miss this hilarious collection ofcorny jokes.
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Family contend
"I've come to learn that the best time to contend family members is when they have food in their mouths." —Kenneth Cole, fashion designer
Grab your mouse ears and have a chuckle at theseDisney jokes.
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Matrimony from heaven
"They say marriages are fabricated in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." —Clint Eastwood
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Become married
"My communication to you is get married: If you find a expert married woman you'll exist happy; if non, you'll become a philosopher." —Socrates
Take our Word Ability challenge and test your noesis of philosophy terms.
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Dull computer test
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them utilise a calculator with slow Internet service to meet who they really are." —Volition Ferrell
Anybody can relate to thesefunny tweets near technology.
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Someone y'all love
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy affair on earth, and yous should salvage it for someone you lot beloved." —Butch Hancock, state musician.
These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing.
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Marriage souvenir
"Instead of getting married once more, I'm going to observe a woman I don't like and just give her a house." —Rod Stewart, stone star
These jokes nigh marriage are and then accurate they'll take you cracking upwards.
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Everything has a consequence
"All the things I similar to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening." —Alexander Woollcott, actor
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Spending foolishly
"Part of [the $10 million] went for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent heedlessly." —George Raft, picture star
These working from home memes are hilariously accurate.
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No character
"I was going to sue for defamation of graphic symbol, but so I realized I take no character." —Charles Barkley, Idiot box basketball analyst
These hilarious family stories are guaranteed to make y'all express mirth out loud.
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Don't surrender the expert stuff
"I know a homo who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself." —Johnny Carson
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Very irksome
"He is not only dull himself, he is the crusade of dullness in others." —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century writer
Relive thehistory of the world in dumb jokes.
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Jim Carrey on taking risks
"Y'all can neglect at what you don't want—and so you might as well take a chance at doing what y'all love."—Jim Carrey
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No ideas
"She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her chat." —Jean Webster, author
Calling all word nerds! You lot'll beloved these cleverthesaurus jokes.
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Smallest ideas
"He can compress the nearly words into the smallest idea of whatsoever man I know." —Abraham Lincoln
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Worshiping himself
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." —Henry Clapp, paper editor
Thesefunny slumber jokes volition have you laughing in bed.
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Know it alls
"People who think they know everything are a swell annoyance to those of us who do." —Isaac Asimov, scientific discipline fiction writer
Information technology doesn't have to be April Fool'due south Day to appreciate thesehilarious real life prank stories!
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Canis familiaris teacher
"A dog teaches a boy allegiance, perseverance, and to turn around three times earlier lying down." —Robert Benchley, humourist
Hither are xv hilarious dog memes you'll want to share right at present.
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Cats versus dogs
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You lot can't get 8 cats to pull a sled through snow." —Jeff Valdez, producer
Don't miss this gallery offunny farm animals!
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Holy wine
"Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy." —Benjamin Franklin
Americans don't have a monopoly on humor! Check out the funniest Canadian quotes of all time.
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Superior beer
"Why beer is better than wine: human being feet are conspicuously absent from beer making." —Steve Mirsky, author
Check out thesewitty bar jokes anyone can remember.
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Government landscaping
"The Democrats are the political party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove crabgrass on your lawn." —P. J. O'Rourke, author
These hilariousgolf jokes are better than a hole in i.
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Failing government
"The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, then they become elected and prove information technology." —P. J. O'Rourke, writer
Looking for a quick chuckle? These funny limericks should do the trick!
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Trash run
"I've been married to ane Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would have the garbage out." —Lee Grant, actress
Thesebad dad jokes are sure to make you laugh out loud.
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Fiction
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to brand sense." —Tom Clancy, author
Thesefunny tweets about food are certain to put a smile on your face.
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Read up
"Be conscientious about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
You'll get a boot out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes.
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Optimism
"An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire Country Building, and after 50 floors says, 'Then far so adept!'" —Anonymous
These hilarious history jokes are certain to make you lot snicker.
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Versus pessimism
"The nice part almost being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised." —George Will, columnist
Don't miss thesebad jokes you can't assist but laugh at.
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Blondes
"I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'k non impaired … and I also know that I'g non blonde." —Dolly Parton
Don't miss this side-splitting roundup of the funniest song titles always.
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Versus brunettes
"It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window." —Raymond Chandler, author
Don't miss thesefunny doctor jokes.
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Critics
"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it washed every 24-hour interval, but they're unable to do it themselves." —Brendan Behan, Irish author
These hilariousDIY jokes will bring down the house!
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Infinite things
"Two things are space: the universe and human stupidity; and I'g not sure almost the universe." —Albert Einstein
Einstein himself would capeesh these hilarious physics jokes.
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Expert girls
"Adept girls get to heaven, bad girls get everywhere." —Helen Gurley Brownish, onetime editor of Cosmopolitan.If you're enjoying this list of the funniest quotes of all fourth dimension, you lot'll dear this collection of hilarious tweets.
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Stupidity
"If stupidity got us into this mess, and then why can't it get united states out?" —Volition Rogers
You lot won't believe thesefunny classified ads really ran!
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Non a fan favourite
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." —Oscar Wilde
Thesefunny piece of work cartoons were made for sharing at the office.
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Speaking of the dead
"They say you shouldn't say anything about the expressionless unless it'due south skilful. He's dead. Practiced." —Moms Mabley
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Washington D.C.
"Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm." —President John F. Kennedy
Speaking of Northern amuse, go a load of these hilarious Canadian headlines.
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Problem, problem, trouble
"The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going nearly saying, 'The trouble with this state is …'" —Sinclair Lewis
After you've memorized these funniest quotes of all time, check out our best-always Reader's Digest jokes.
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Prodigy
When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, "Begin with some elementary lieder and work your way up to a symphony." "But Herr Mozart," replied the fan, "you were writing symphonies when you were viii." "Yes," said Mozart. "But I never asked anybody."
Having problem finding the right words for a birthday greeting? These hilarious birthday jokes are guaranteed to get a laugh.
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Greenbacks period trouble
"Filling out a credit menu application, my friend came upon this question: 'What is your source of income?' She wrote: 'ATM.'"—Michael Mcrae
Now that you know the funniest quotes of all time, cheque out our best short jokes!
Originally Published: Baronial 06, 2020
Source: https://www.readersdigest.ca/culture/funniest-quotes-celebrities/
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